Andrew

             We're done. I think. I don't know, it's all so complicated... He wants space to find himself, which, frankly, he needs. He's not in a place to love anyone right now, not really. Out of a hundred percent, he still loves me romantically 21.5% ish. Ouch. When you compare that to my 85-90%, that sucks. Cold, feelingless numbers. He is keen on the idea of "friends-with-benefits" and/or "fuck-buddies" because the affection helps both of us, but I'm still in love with him. *Sigh* I spent last night with him and that was fine - in the dark, private, alone together. We're honest with each other, and I was trying to make the best of the situation. It sucks for me, but at least he's being kind; I can give him his kindness. We've both proclaimed our friendship-brand of love to be nearly 100% in both directions, which is a start, but I'm not ready to just be his friend. I still have feelings, and he does too to some extent, but he's pushing me away in order to "find himself". He needs to find himself, this is true - he's not really a complete person. What really hurts is how I think we're in an open relationship - I don't want to share him. I'm so selfish inside, because I really just want him all to myself yet still have to opportunity to explore. Obviously I can't ask that of him, and he's made quite plain his intentions to be with other girls casually. He claims he still wants to be committed to me, in a sense - I'd be the one he'd come back to. I just don't know if I can do that... So last night was fine, yet in the morning with just his parents as company, I gave him a hug. A hug that he didn't return. So I got upset, because I expected some measure of affection in "private" like that...friends hug, right? Just because that wasn't necessarily my intention doesn't mean he couldn't have reciprocated. And after the night before... So what the hell was his problem? He said "This is just me..." and rolled his hands in a circular motion with a look on his face that intimated I should know what he meant. Which I did, but he's done it too often. It's him trying to pull away from me, not be seen with me. He wants to pull away because he thinks I'm the safe-bet, that he'll always come back to me and that he can't so he can grow. Great: I'm Jack O'Neill. Quincy, the only person who reads my Live Journal, will get that reference and if he doesn't, he should be ashamed. :-P He doesn't say that it precludes the possibility of coming back together and claims that I "take up a larger part of his heart than I know". I still mean something to him but he needs to be away to grow. And I understand. I really do, and I know he needs to do this. But A) I'm a jealous person so seeing him with other girls will suck and B) I'm pretty secure in who I am, so it's maddening to me. I know I could change, but I'm not undergoing the massive changes he is - he doesn't even know where to begin. I really do understand, but that doesn't make it any easier. I think I'm handling it quite well - crying comes in fits, but he's so serious and sensible and his logic is so sturdy that I just can't really stay mad at him. I get where he's coming from and I want to help him, but it's so difficult to divorce (ironic word choice, no?) my feelings from our individual well-beings. I inevitably end up upset every time I see him, and although I'd like to continue seeing him and he has left to door open to me (which makes it all the more difficult) I'm not sure how healthy it is. I'm just not getting back as much emotion and energy as I put into our realtionship and I think I'm just going to be hurt. He did, however, promise to be my prom date. I wish life were as simple as prom.